New Year's Resolutions: Why I Don't Make Them

So many people have asked me what plans I've made for the new year, what resolutions I've made. What I don't generally explain to them (due to time constraints, lack of caring, or just knowing that they will never understand the choice) is that I no longer make “resolutions.”

To me, New Year's Resolutions have always been (and will continue to be) goals people set that they want to achieve in the coming year. Goals they stick to for a few weeks, a few months if they're driven and really lucky, and then they forget about them, or don't care enough to follow through with them. I'm surrounded by people who have always set weight-loss resolutions, or healthy eating resolutions, exercising, good grades, relationship improvement... You name it, I could probably think up someone I've heard of who has made it their year's goal to do it.

And they failed. I do not recall a single person around me that has ever said, “Hey, guys! I accomplished my New Year's Resolution this year!”

And that whole group and description includes myself. I set goals each year to drop weight, eat healthier, do better in school, write more, finish writing a novel, improve my relationship with my sister. And I failed at every single one of them for the last 8 years (which is how long I can remember making the same resolutions).

It's an unhealthy habit, so I've quit.

From now on, anything that is deemed important enough that it is something I should be working towards, something I should be doing, it won't be wished for. It won't be dreamed about, or hoped for, or made into a New Year's Resolution.

It will be done. It will be added to the list of long-term things that need to be done, that are (slowly) getting done. And it will be done.

~~~

A taste if you're interested in reading about that list of long-term things that are getting done.

1. Bachelor's Degree and Graduating: If all goes according to plan (health-wise), I will graduate December 2014 with a Bachelor's in Communications concentrating in Journalism. Until I thought about it this morning, it's never truly felt like school will end or there will be a milestone in the constant schooling.

2. Living Arrangements and Master's Degree: I keep looking through lists of schools with good Graduate programs, as I'll be going nearly straight into a Master's program after graduating. I'll be taking as much of a vacation as I can without upsetting my financial aid, and whatnot, but it's a tightrope balancing act sometimes. One large looming need is to find living arrangements by the end of next year, or shortly thereafter. I've been itching to live on my own for a while now, and spend a few hours a week browsing the housing (and renting) market in Michigan, just looking for anything that could end up in my price range.

3. Writing: I'm constantly thinking about writing and trying to get back into writing fiction. I have a dozen story ideas lurking in the shadows of my computer, but never have enough time to get into the mindset of working on them. Instead of whining about it or wishing for more hours in the day, I'm working on time management skills, and training myself to wake up and go to bed at nearly the same time each day.

Paul Walker- It all ended 2Fast

To an amazing man, racer, actor, and legend: may you forever rest in a land where you may drive Fast and Furious. Your Fast Family has eyes on Meadow now.

Get your tissues ready.

Post by Fast & Furious.

Depression

This is a journal entry of an acquaintance's that really resonated with me. Her permission for posting here has been acquired, but please don't copy, paste, or post it elsewhere without permission. All formatting was present in her original post, also.

Depressed, by Melanie Dittmer

It hurts.
It’s hurts so damn much and I don’t know the first thing to do about stopping it.
It hurts everywhere. My edges blur and body constricts. I’m so confused. This crippling anxiety hits me like a brick wall and I’m afraid. I’m so unbelievably sad. And everything hurts.
I can’t explain it to you because I don’t know how. I can’t give you reasons because they don’t exist. I can’t pretend it’s not happening because I’m physically unable. I can’t power through. Not today. No, not today.
It’s time for me to stay in bed. It’s warm and gentle and I will only get up when I have to urinate. It’s safe here. No one will come looking for me. I can close my eyes and just think. I’m happy inside my own head. It’s outside that I don’t like. It’s everyone else.
I might get up and take a shower, because I love the warm water. I’ll curl up in some blankets and read for a bit. I’ll take another nap and watch a movie. It’s amazing how hard it can be to fall asleep when you want to, when you’ve already had so much sleep in one day.
But just as I start to nod off for the fifth time, the phone will ring. The door will produce knocking sounds. You’ll put your hand on my shoulder and will sit down beside me. I’ll hear all those voices telling me all the worst things.
You should get up. It’ll be good for you. When was the last time you went outside? Have you been exercising? Maybe you should eat something. You should get dressed. You’ll feel better then. I know what will make you feel better. You should feel better. This will make you feel better. You must feel better. Why don’t you feel better? Feel better. Are you feeling any better?
I shudder.
I understand that it’s hard for you to understand that it’s so hard to understand. There are no answers. And I don’t see what’s so wrong with my coping strategy. I’m overwhelmed. I don’t want to see people. I’m most comfortable right where I am. Why can’t I stay? Why can’t I cry? Why can’t I just be alone for a little bit? Why do I have to do all of these things you say I should do if I don’t want to? Why does my inexplicable sadness make you so uncomfortable?
Why can’t you just get me some extra pillows and make me some dinner? Why can’t you put on my favourite movie? Why can’t you help me build a blanket fort to live in for the day? Why can’t you take away my phone and tell everyone that I’m unavailable and you’ll be happy to take a message? Why don’t you just…try making me happier. Instead of trying to make me better?
I’m allowed to be sad today and I’m allowed to not have a reason. And you’re allowed to be okay with that.
I’m not a thing that needs to be fixed, despite all of the signs to the contrary.
I’m just a little depressed sometimes. That’s all.
Isn’t everyone?

Content is good... right?

All the while you tell them you're content with your life the way it is.

And maybe you are, in theory. You're finishing the degree you set out for. The one all your Angels would be so very proud of you for earning. The one that you're not sure is exactly what you want, but know that it'll lead you into a bigger degree that you know will open more doors on the way up, which is the end plan.

Maybe you are content being outwardly single, and inwardly owned, possessed, treasured, and adored. Being someone who can not only be her own person and stand on her own two feet, but serve someone else when and how it fulfills their needs.

Content is good, right? Content is mental and emotional satisfaction, which sounds good... right?

...

But what about when good is not good enough? What happens when that boiling pot of water on the stove finally boils over, spilling burned bubbles onto the stove-top and sending angry hisses into the air?

Maybe...

Maybe content isn't good enough. Maybe sometimes all you really, really need is someone to take over for a while. Someone to issue orders and have expectations, ones that have nothing to do with anything called school and everything to do with silly things like nail polish colors and clothing selections for a trip to the library for fiction novels that you actually have time to read.

Someone to grab you by the hair and yank you into His lap, only to nuzzle and give cuddles because you're too tense and you need to take a break from the insanity that is your family, the foundation of everything you've built your life around that is crumbling under your feet.

Someone to say... while you look after them, I'll look after you. When you need to break, I'll be here to hold you together. When you're ready to stand strong again, I'll stand by your side.

But I suppose for now, content will have to be enough.

Life and Letters

On October 11, I received the address of where to send letters to Master. But by that time, I was trying to juggle being a full time online student with 3 part time jobs and family drama, so I never go the chance to actually write to him. I finally sent him a small package (with a new pad of paper) a few days before Halloween.

I think life is finally calming down. I can actually breathe again... well, most of the time anyways. I'm back down to my regular two jobs and I had my much needed one week break from school as well, so I think I'll be alright for a while again.

I've been venturing out into the "real world," my local kink scene, and have met some pretty awesome people. They all know so very much and are very willing to teach new people. On top of that, they are exactly my brand of sarcastic, so once I get through the new-people-panic phase, I think we'll get along beautifully.

Strong?

So many times I've heard people tell me, “You're so strong,” or “You're one of the strongest people I know.”

But the truth?

The truth is I'm not strong. I'm not that immobile “rock” for you to confess all your problems to, to be your guiding hand or your psychiatrist. Or a shady, fully branched maple tree for you to lean against after a hard day, impossible to move no matter how hard your little human body pushes against my sturdy trunk, offering comfort with my protection from the elements.

The truth is I often lay awake at night, unable to sleep for fear of the nightmares of days when my life was whole. When I didn't have to worry about what tomorrow would bring in the form of health, finances, family problems, or more drama than any one person should have to deal with. When I didn't have to wonder what my idol and best friend would advise me to do in any given situation when I was treading water because I could ask her and receive a verbal answer, and not wind ruffled hair and silence.

The truth is that on my days off, I rarely leave my bedroom, even though it adds to the guilt of not spending enough time with the people who worry and care about me. Adds to the list of things that should be getting done and never do, because bed is so safe and comfortable, and the world is often terrifying and incredibly uncomfortable.

The truth is you start to think you know me, but you only know what I let you see. You only know the band-aid covering the stitches, the mask covering the face. The mask is only a part of me. The real me, the inside me, she is weak, a newborn kitten who cannot take care of herself. She is the melty caramel inside a hard chocolate coating. And while she's growing, she's not as strong as you believe her to be.

Disclaimer: Written in a very “down” mood...

A New Beginning?

I woke up this morning with the decision that to jump-start my writing habits and prod Musie into being creative again, I would re-open my blog. So here I am, shutting down the other, identical blog, and writing an opening post for this one, which I tried to do weeks ago and just couldn't make the words flow.

At this point in life, I'm a mess. Long distance is hard enough under "normal" circumstances, or whatever you can expect from the relationship on a regular basis. But when something throws a wrench in those plans, and makes long distance even harder, all hell could break loose.

And it seems to me that we're almost at that point.

But let me drop back a bit and elaborate.

Master and I's two year anniversary came and went in March 2013. Since about then, he'd been contemplating joining the military, researching the different branches and their benefits, what they do, where they serve, etc. He joined the Army, active duty (I believe, since my head is still jumbly), despite the protests of his family, wife, and three subs, and left for basic training on September 16.

Since then, school and family have been my priorities, and both are incredibly complicated and stressful.