Depression

This is a journal entry of an acquaintance's that really resonated with me. Her permission for posting here has been acquired, but please don't copy, paste, or post it elsewhere without permission. All formatting was present in her original post, also.

Depressed, by Melanie Dittmer

It hurts.
It’s hurts so damn much and I don’t know the first thing to do about stopping it.
It hurts everywhere. My edges blur and body constricts. I’m so confused. This crippling anxiety hits me like a brick wall and I’m afraid. I’m so unbelievably sad. And everything hurts.
I can’t explain it to you because I don’t know how. I can’t give you reasons because they don’t exist. I can’t pretend it’s not happening because I’m physically unable. I can’t power through. Not today. No, not today.
It’s time for me to stay in bed. It’s warm and gentle and I will only get up when I have to urinate. It’s safe here. No one will come looking for me. I can close my eyes and just think. I’m happy inside my own head. It’s outside that I don’t like. It’s everyone else.
I might get up and take a shower, because I love the warm water. I’ll curl up in some blankets and read for a bit. I’ll take another nap and watch a movie. It’s amazing how hard it can be to fall asleep when you want to, when you’ve already had so much sleep in one day.
But just as I start to nod off for the fifth time, the phone will ring. The door will produce knocking sounds. You’ll put your hand on my shoulder and will sit down beside me. I’ll hear all those voices telling me all the worst things.
You should get up. It’ll be good for you. When was the last time you went outside? Have you been exercising? Maybe you should eat something. You should get dressed. You’ll feel better then. I know what will make you feel better. You should feel better. This will make you feel better. You must feel better. Why don’t you feel better? Feel better. Are you feeling any better?
I shudder.
I understand that it’s hard for you to understand that it’s so hard to understand. There are no answers. And I don’t see what’s so wrong with my coping strategy. I’m overwhelmed. I don’t want to see people. I’m most comfortable right where I am. Why can’t I stay? Why can’t I cry? Why can’t I just be alone for a little bit? Why do I have to do all of these things you say I should do if I don’t want to? Why does my inexplicable sadness make you so uncomfortable?
Why can’t you just get me some extra pillows and make me some dinner? Why can’t you put on my favourite movie? Why can’t you help me build a blanket fort to live in for the day? Why can’t you take away my phone and tell everyone that I’m unavailable and you’ll be happy to take a message? Why don’t you just…try making me happier. Instead of trying to make me better?
I’m allowed to be sad today and I’m allowed to not have a reason. And you’re allowed to be okay with that.
I’m not a thing that needs to be fixed, despite all of the signs to the contrary.
I’m just a little depressed sometimes. That’s all.
Isn’t everyone?